50 Shades of Dad - Part One of a Series of Comedic blog posts from a Dad's Point of View
Imagine this, you lock eyes from across the room. She gives you a fleeting half smile as she slowly walks towards you. Your heart races. You don’t know what to do, your adrenaline spikes as she reaches out to you and grabs your hand. She reaches in, slowly moves her hand from your arm and firmly grabs the back of your neck and softly whispers in your ear……..’shes done a massive shit and its your turn’……
Its day 330, the tiny human screams da da for the 1675th time today. I’m hiding behind the bedroom door, no-one knows I’m here so I’m safe for now.
The alpha female of the pack saw straight through my 45 minute poop escapes and has now began cutting off the wifi and disabling my mobile data. I am a broken man, I don’t even remember what it feels like to be the man of the house anymore. Now I’m all about that dad life, pretty bows, pretty dresses, Emma wiggle and anything pink…god help me when I have a little girl. I joke, I joke.
As you probably all know, we have a little girl, I will withhold her identity, just in the off chance she one day wants to become an International spy, or you know, get angry at me in a few years when she’s trying to become ‘insta famous’ because I ‘tarnished’ her brand that one time 17 years ago when I put on the internet that she once had curly red hair and a giant baby schnoot.
I am shift worker, so naturally I already lack that zest for life normal people have. And now, to make matters worse… Majella, my life partner and brain child behind Bubba Bump had a bright idea I should write a blog for the website, to ya know ‘connect with the dad audience and like..show another side of Bubba Bump’. Yipee…says the almost 30 year old that starts nights tomorrow, has had next to no sleep the last two nights and is currently in intense negotiations an 11 month old child as to why she shouldn’t eat that AAA battery.
Dad life. What a great idea that was. To this this all started one night, after having some mind blowing… coitus and saying to Majella ‘go on then, lets give it a try and be a little less careful’. 6 months and an IVF cycle later, safe to say, being careful made absolutely no difference.
Anyway, being a parent is the hardest, but the bestest thing I ever did with my life. Its hard, juggling shift work with a toddler and a pregnant bae who can only be tamed with a steady stream of maccas hash browns and flattering compliments but I wouldn’t change a thing.
About 18 months ago, Majella said to me ‘i want to start a baby brand’. I was all like, I just want be a stay at home dad. Without the whole, having-to- parent thing, so ya know, just stay at home and not work kinda thing. So anyway, Bubba Bump happened. Here I am, 18 months later, just a regular ordinary every day dad, asking you to buy some stuff, so I can one day live my dream of being the stay at home dad, he always dreamed of. Minus the dadding part, Elle can still go to day care. Okay so, im just a regular ordinary every day dad, asking you to buy some Bubba bump stuff, so I can put Elle in kindy for a few more days a week so I can just stay at home.
DISCLAIMER: I love my little girl, she’s the bestest thing that ever happened to me. I say all this in best, hoping you find it funny enough to buy something out of pity.
Standby for next weeks instalments where I cover important topics such as: the dude dads top 10 foods for taming pregnancy mood swings, where did I put my keys (hint: its in the kids toy box) and how to translate that baby gibberish (hint: it includes, a roll of gaffe tape, a bottle of whisky and a camels toe nail).